minding my busy-ness
when you work for somebody, there’s a sense of safety, and even detachment in knowing you can refer or attribute just about any situation, issue, or mistake to well… whoever else gets paid more than you to have that kinda time. you know. the “appropriate superior.” well, here, I'm the superior. i’ve been the editor, the website developer, photographer, model, accountant, content creator, assistant, digital designer, recipe formulator, the cleaning staff, and I pack the orders.
and with that came a whole lotta freedom but also unexpected self-criticism shapeshifting into accountability and drive. see, my parents came from hard-work, and tenacity. they had manifested beyond barriers, and even borders. they had found knowledge in the noes of life, and built a family on them. so they held high standards, and with that a whole lotta emotional and physical criticism. when I first started organizing nannan, I realized rather quickly I was still interacting with myself just the same. nitpicking as if I were my parents and myself all the same. abusing my body into rest. I was ticking tasks off without even celebrating my cells for growing thru it with me— just onto the next. as if mechanical. as if I was still competing and seeking validation. as if I had something to prove cus now, it was out on the internet and you hadda pay me for it.
think about it. any business venture is an extension of you. your thinking. your skills. your decision-making. your creativity. your knowledge. it’s your heart’s work materialized.
sharing it with y’all now with monetary energy exchanged, felt different. especially with the value we’ve been placing on money.
so mistakes didn't always feel like lessons like they do now. they felt like a loss, and preventable. at times, i’d get soul caught up in coulda, woulda, shoulda till I didn’t really do no better. my determination wavered between improving and obsessing. reworking a recipe, a logo, a budget, a procedure, or a post, times over. it wasn’t healthy.
OK. IMAGINE.
i’ve been running this website through Squarespace. with some Tumblr, Wordpress, even a bit of myspace practice, I figured that with enough focus, and trial, i’d figure it out. the learning curve was more challenging than I had expected. but every time I thought about how between designing and maintaining, a website designer may charge anywhere between a well-deserved $1000 to $5000, it was clear that exchanging my time made more cents. so, early on I knew that Squarespace did not have a product review feature. and for a small business, it’s a necessary feature as you’re building patron trust. this meant a code for it hadda be outsourced, and embedded into my website for each product. and I figured it out. I remember reworking on ‘em one day and didn’t realize until the last product that I had mishandled the code into deleting all the reviews that were once posted over the last 6 months. albeit only 10, they were my first 10 reviews. they were even elaborate and intentional. sure enough, It took me some effort to shake it off but it is what it is now.
another example.
when I first started organizing nannan, I bought ingredients in bulk. in optimism, but also with the intent of having offerings at a price that was still fair to the both of us. with the companies that grow and harvest the ingredients I enjoy, the more you buy of one ingredient, the more you can save. it can even be earth loving to use bigger containers vs multiple smaller ones overtime. well with my very real, and very challenging progress, more than enough ingredients eventually expired without use. I felt such annoyance with myself, and even some hopelessness with my process: like how could I have not foreseen that? is this a sign that I should let up? how could I have been so optimistic? am I even built for this? it really did do my head in for a while. but it’s a lesson that I learned, and grew from…eventually.
and there are countless more I coulda listed.
i’ve really had to be intentional about learning how to nurture myself thru them. how to observe myself, and reflect. how to be affirming of my experience. how to recognize my growth especially in the midst of challenges. like:
you’re still here, so already you doing a good job sis!
go drink some water, sis
you been working on the same post for weeks, and that’s okay. quality takes time.
you’ve been feeling tired, and wanna just watch some movies, and lay yo ass down, and that’s okay.
get some real nutritious in that belly. sustenance is necessary.
you don’t wanna post today and that’s entirely okay.
i love you!
i’m soul proud of you!
you wouldn’t even know what time it is if it wasn’t for this clock, chill.
some sales would be satisfying right now, but your body doesn’t wanna be part of this vending event today and that’s okay.
your business is progressing little by little and that’s okay.
you don’t have to check your email right now. they can wait, and that’s okay.
you don’t have to force yourself to create content. flow with it. let it come when it comes. and that’s okay.
you didn’t work on anything today, and that’s entirely okay.
yes my love, rest! resting is productive!
busy-ness is a state of being, not a way to live. remember that!
you don’t needa be multi tasking. just be here in this activity. right now.
leave your phone in your room, ma. it can wait.
go scrub them feet ma. rub them with some himalayan salt. appreciate them for carrying you here!
caress your hands, kiss them, they do soul much work for you!
give your cells a good ass embrace with these arms manifesting for you every day.
it was an expensive lesson to learn, and that’s okay. money always comes, and money always goes.
you got this, sis.
move that body! whine your waist, touch your toes, stretch that stress out!
if this journey wasn’t full of twists, and turns, you’d be bored already. enjoy the ride sis! be here.
innerstanding now how soul much of my business depends on me minding my busy-ness led me to slow down. considerably! unpacking judgements made in expectations, resistance, and fear. taking breaks. being real with myself. accepting my mistakes as stepping stones. owning my choices. flowing with the possibilities. making do with what i can. being present where i am. and remembering that nannan is a live heartwork. but most of all, i rest on the fact that I actually really enjoy doing this regardless of IF it’s for myself and a few loved ones around me, or 1000 people across this earth.
and so far, it’s been a whirlwind of revisions, and confirmations. it’s been a lot more lessons than i felt prepared to receive. a lot more discomfort than i had expected to grow thru. and i’m here… still. resilience cultivated. commitment solidified. abundance redefined. and i cry thru it, rest thru it, stretch thru it, nourish mycellf thru it, pray thru it, commune thru it, love thru it, read thru it, create thru it, meditate thru it, and play thru it.
no matter the journey, i’m happy to be here.
So powerfully Toni JONES affirms in her heartwork: “work ethic”.
On a daily basis, I make the choice to flow.
I erase the temptation to erode my mind, body,
And soul into anxiety, stress, and burning myself out.
I trade in my work ethic for my worth ethic
So, I would never seek validation by the results of my work.
Even when I'm faced with what it seems to be problematic
Seems like lack and overwhelming
I choose to be at ease
I choose to breathe and flow
Knowing all is well
And I remain proactive with what is required of me.
I'm a human being, not a human doing.
I accept this full life of business, love,
Relationships, achieving, and responsibility.
I manifested this full life.
I'm in business on purpose, not a business that makes me a busy mess
I'm a businesswoman, you heard?
light + love,
nuru, your reflection