i love on me better than anyone else can: committing to our cells!
so i was just dancing to the mirror, and one feel good moment led me to affirm some prayers i had written. when i got to this one affirmation: “i love on me better than anyone else can,” i felt it essential to actually… physically express it to myself skin to skin.
i crossed my arms as far back as they could go into a tight, loving hug.
i rubbed my back.
and i felt my head surrender.
and my cheeks ever so gently met my shoulder.
the aroma of skin slipping along deep breaths,
i closed my eyes and i swayed side to side. some about that motion. that rhythm.
some about ever so softly reminding my cells aloud: “i love you”
some about saying it in my mother tongue: “m renmen’w anpil chouchou, doudou, amour bebiiii”
some about using PERSONAL nicknames that inspired sweetness…and affection. names that felt loving, and nurturing, and calming, and affirming to me. from “i love you my baby,” to “tatoune, m renmen’w anpillll!” once i spoke the one that triggered the most connection into my being, i said it again, and again. and again.
this give and receive. this upward rush. this tightening of breath. this relief. this awareness of self. this intimate relating with my cells.
and i wept. innerjoy flowed down my cheeks with cool tenderness. it was my own kinda tangible appreciation i forgot felt soul good.
a hug.
so simple, yet soul impactful.
and as i reflected ON THAT MOMENT OF self-LOVE, i thought back to times wheN i didn’t receive “the love” i SOUGHT. be it from friends, family, lovers, mentors, bosses, professors…humans. in those very TIMES When my innergy cAme apart in confusion, in lack and self-depreciation. desiring FROM ANOTHER just what i didn't consistently give to myself. the same compassion, the same innerstanding, the same forgiveness, the same patience, the same truth, the same labor, the same gentleness, the same loyalty, the same consistency. the same realness. the same commitment.
when all the while the only variable i can control is my own. THE ONLY PERSON THAT COULD EVER trULY BE mineS IS mySELF. THE ONLY PERSON THAT COULD EVER RIDE INTO THIS WORLD, AND DIE IN IT WITH me IS myself. NOT no CHILDREN, NOT no PARTNER, NOT no best-friends, NOT no PARENTS, NOT no SOUL TRIBE, not even a twin.
so i asked myself…
how often have i broken my own promises to myself?
how often have i lied to myself?
how often have i cheated myself?
HOW OFTEN HAVE I GOTTEN IN MY OWN WAY?
how challenging has it really been for me to commit to my own prawcess?
how critical have i been of me?
how often have i disregarded my own needs, and/or desires?
how often have i disrespected my own boundaries?
HOW OFTEN HAVE I DEVALUED MY OWN VOICE?
have i been embracing my own cells??
HAVE I FREED MYSELF TO TAKE UP SPACE?
have i been giving myself meaningful, quality time?
have i been advocating for me?
have i been getting cute for me?
have i been complimenting me?
do i think i’mMM fine as fuck?
have i been intentionally taking care of me?
have i been spending money on me? not the kinda spending we do for face value or fleeting gratification. i mean the typa investment into our cells (our inner goals, our freedom or health).
HAVE I BEEN ROOTING FOR MY OWN CELLF?
HAVE I BEEN MASSAGING MY OWN damn FEET?
do i rub me down?
DO I ENJOY MY OWN PRESENCE?
do i come thru for me?
am i affectionate with my own mind, body and spirit?
have i been taking the time to get to know me, persunally?
HAVE I BEEN GENTLE WITH Me?
do i really know what makes me cum?
do i love myself?
my relationship with myself growing up was built on bible verses like “do onto others as you’d want to be done onto you.” following a devout mom into the catholic church, iii received teachings that never prioritized loving yourself. self-love felt guilty, sinful, narcissistic, and shameful. instead loving yourself was almost always taught to be in relations to how we first love others. and as such, we spent many sermons unpacking verses like:
“love thy neighbor as yourself.“ mark 12:31
“let no one seek his own good, but that of his neighbor.“ 1 corinthians 10:24
“Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” philippians 2:3
and so love felt like sacrifice and performance. like humility and attachment.
and you know what: as a young girl, and well into my adulthood i loved just like that. i committed to the wellbeing of others well before my own. bending over backwards till i folded. as tho i’d come to feel that: “if only i could support this person to be happy, maybe then i’d be worthy of them focusing their own intent on loving me the same.” it even felt like an escape outta addressing my own trauma, insecurities, and challenges. and i often came up empty. resentful. disappointed. fearful. cus what i attracted were souls just as wounded as i was, if not more. shapeshifted into the support that only they could give to themselves. we trauma bonded in and outta love.
and so as life has been teaching me, loving yourself first is more realistic. more healing. more productive.
cus, ANY RELATIONSHIP YOU COULD EVER BE IN OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF COULD ONLY MIRROR THE RELATIONSHIP YOU first HAVE WITH YOURSELF. AND WE KNOW MIRRORS DON’T ALWAYS SHOW US WHAT WE WANNA SEE, BUT WHAT IS. they show along with all the good, the very unhealed parts of yourself that are shadowing the experience.
thinking back to my own romantic #blessons like the one from last year. i was curious. i was hopeful. but a lot more afraid cus admittedly i was all too aware of this feeling of unworthiness just lurking…just waiting to be felt in full, and justified. questions like “am i not worth this,” “am i not worth that,” waiting to be overthought, and acted on. and it became all the more real as i experienced that same fear in him. and it showed in the hot and cold of our interactions. in the vacillating between passion, and detachment. and thinking back, it truly did reflect just how i felt about myself at the time. i deeply wanted to feel desired, valued, seen, and chosen. i craved this person to pull me from behind my own walls. i yearned this energetic exchange to validate why i deserve love especially the kind you needn’t earn. as tho to share with him that response-ability to my own cells. i wanted him to love me into truly loving myself again.
or if i think back to some 9/8 years ago when i was trynna find feet back into the teachings of the bible, i quite anxiously policed my body, and its desires. i also at the time felt a victim to a past of cheating partners. and so attracted a relationship which did the very same. from how i dressed to how i interacted with others, my behavior was constantly misperceived as a means to seduce other men or women. jealousy, control, lies and fear challenged the relationship til its very end.
and see i know now: those feelings like abandonment, rejection, unworthiness, inadequacy, shame, fear, loneliness, anger, resentment, jealousy, emptiness, hopelessness, or self-hate are always a possibility. and so are groundedness, self-knowing, mindfulness, compassion, ease, contentment, patience, openness, gratitude, resourcefulness or fluidity. thankfully, we always have a choice regardless of the stimuli.
and so i’m learning that i choose better when i prioritize loving on me. cus LOVING on YOURSELF REPURPOSES YOUR PAST. loving on yourself filters out what no longer adds to you. loving on yourself keeps you tapped into what feels good/free to you. LOVING on YOURSELF BRINGS CLARITY INTO THE LIFE experiences you DO WANT. LOVING on YOURSELF POWERS THE COURAGE TO ATTRACT and stand for ‘EM. LOVING on yourself BLESSES YOU WITH OPPORTUNITIES TO RECREATE YOUR PRESENT. loving on yourself is a practice and a fucking dedication.
like how can i guide another to love me if i’m not loving on myself? how else would i know what makes me feel free? feel safe? feel good? we are ever-evolving beings. this version of you, wasn’t the exact same from last year, 5 years ago or even last week.
and so THIS THE SEASON TO REMIND OUR CELLS these truths:
I commit to actively showing me just how much love i know i deserve.
any love outside of myself is the more to the enough i’ve already invested in ME.
my capacity for love expands as i love on myself even harder!
i love on me better than anyone else can!
others see me, when i see myself!
i am the one.
so tell me, what has your self-love life been like? from childhood to adulthood, how have you learned to love you all these years? would you say you agree: can anyone else love on you better than you? connect with me in the #calmment box!
blessons, and blessings,
nuru