my swazi host momma, summer 2016, swaziland/eswatini

some time around my early twenties, i asked manmie about my naming story. she said something along the lines of trending names circa 1990, papi taking a dramatic dislike to her first choice, Marjorie, and somehow singing gloria in excelsis deo during labor; they chose nathalie gloria. tho tickled, i was very underwhelmed.

back in summer 2016, i begin my peace corps service in eswatini, africa. and so welcomed i felt, to receive two different names from the swazi families who took me in. as tho to truly become one of their own. for 3 months i lived in the nkamanzi community; there, they named me lungile or “the kind one” in siswati. for 24 more, i lived in the mambane community, and there they named me zethu or “ours” in zulu. and therein these precious moments peaked my interest in african naming traditions. in africa, names have long been believed to carry stories,

culture,

essence,

and power.

european enslavers knew so too. so much so to systematically rename each captured african persun; purposefully after themselves. passing down generations, like sales codes. still chained into history.

some two years ago, i courageously chose my own. it was sacred and intentional. finding names that describe energies i been committed to nurturing in me as in others.

nuru (noo·roo) ayoka (ah·yo·kah) àkànjí (ah·kun·gee) --from first to last, my name is a combination of yoruba and swahili, meaning: “the child who shares light, joy, and awakening.”

bearing these names feels like an affirmation to be. not the version of cellf carved in the dreams and fears of loved ones, teachers, exs, this matrix. not the version of cellf performed to coexist.

nah.

the version of cellf that is:

free most of all;

in gratitude;

an uplifting force;

fluid energy.

and would you believe, some time last year, i realized that nathalie actually translates into “christmas day,” josué into “jehovah is salvation,” and gloria is a famous christmas carol. what initially felt like weird “coincidences,” became but confirmation. see, i been learning that, as we reincarnate back into our lineage, our souls subtly communicate and set in motion what life we intend to experience this time. so a name is chosen by parents/tribe to reflect just that. so i examined my bearthname a lil’ further. well, doesn’t christmas always inspire light, joy and awakening?

safe to say: i been bout it, and still ‘bout it.

choosing another name came with much discord, especially familial. fears of disconnection and rejection, family name and projected shame, the amerikkkan system, and panafricanism.

some parts of me will always identify with my bearthname. first, middle and last. just as i do with lungile, and zethu. and especially all the endearing rhyming nicknames (tatoune, Thalie, nat, lungi, z) that were given because of ‘em.

ultimately tho, changing names meant reconnecting with parts of me shamed, denied, and forgotten. for me it meant choosing for mycellf.

so lemme reintroduce mycellf.

my preferred name is nuru (noo·roo) ayoka (ah·yo·kah) àkànjí (ah·kun·gee).

what’s yours, and what stories does it hold?

may more peace and blessings find you always, and in all ways,

nuru, your reflection

Nuru ayoka Àkànjí: a self-given name