partial print out of my myspace page circa 2007 found in MY old journal.

For some time now, social media has felt less like inspiration, and more like unproductive comparison.

and by social media, I mean the more interactive ones: like instagram, Facebook, tiktok, twitter, snapchat, Tumblr, WhatsApp, LinkedIn, even YouTube.

so more correctly, I should say: i’m minimizing my online presence to mostly this corner. so my Facebook, instagram, and twitter…? they gotta go. i’d release my Tumblr too only if I remembered my account.

i’ve been on social media since the age of myspace. I was maybe 17. existing online felt a whole lot simpler then.

do you even remember your myspace days? I remember some things. like sharing music, publicly ranking my friends (so passive-aggressive, let’s be honest), and obsessively rewriting my about me section.

i branched out to facebook, Tumblr, instagram and YouTube eventually in my early adulthood.

YouTube felt more like a search engine. especially back when I was nurturing the courage to go natural. or when I fell in love with a persun who identified as nonbinary. or when I found out that all these celestial bodies like Jupiter and the sun are reflected right within us. really, it’s been a learning space for me. these days, with their well funded bingengineers, YouTube at times doesn’t feel as such. even to post a video on my website here, it must be first shared on a video-based platform like YouTube, or vimeo. see how they try to trap you?

Tumblr felt like myspace’s cooler cousin— the black sheep of the family that you lowkey admire. it required much more intentionality, and individuality. back then, you could set a whole vibe with an editable webpage (both in appearance and performance) and even an automated music player. and there i found other souls openly exploring their sexuality. their identity. their ideas.

this community was just different. more open. more themselves. they just felt like a nonjudgemental group of creative misfits. i didn’t know anyone that i followed, and neither did they know me. and there was safety in that. amidst all this beautiful chaos, we were finding our dynamism. I haven’t been on my Tumblr account since I was maybe 24, but I do remember it fondly.

what I most enjoyed about Tumblr tho was that, it was just as much textual, as it was visual unlike instagram and Facebook. they felt all too venusian. all too centered on what the eye could see. the dopamine hit from views, likes, and comments. your soulcialbility. posting for clicks, and not for genuine communion and engagement. this escape from really facing ourselves. this search for a feeling other than the now.

when I first joined Facebook and instagram, they were growing with people I knew. at least somewhat. we were family, friends, classmates, or those dudes at that club or that party that wouldn’t let up. i wanted to feel included. but i was still growing into myself. i was still practicing confidence. and it was evident as i didn’t really post me. but I was there tho, actively lurking. seeing others’ good fortune, feeling somewhere between inspiration and envy. not the kind where you don’t want another to thrive, but the kind where you wanna be there too. wherever there is. like over there somewhere, where the grass seems to be greener. you know? I wanted that kinda relationship, or that apartment, those kids, or that body, those skills, or that following. just scrolling myself into lack.

I remember being in my early to mid 20s, and feeling so uneasy taking pictures without my eyebrows drawn, or my under-eye bags carefully concealed. there was so much about my face to appreciate back then, yet I couldn’t see it unless others did. perhaps strategic, perhaps coincidental, but phone cameras automatically lighten skin. and so do these social media filter apps like facetune, even instasize. and I remember the relief felt in that. a then insecurity so covertly empowered to persist all the more.

but these platforms soon descended into a visually invasive spectacle of black pain. like a souvenir. as if we even needed the evidence. and just like that thru a phone screen, my immune system is provoked, and the feeling of being unsafe overwhelms my space. as if transposed. as if they were i, and i them. and here i am having seen this post well over hours ago, and still, it’s connecting with healing parts of me.

the beautiful and dusty ass way pass my homestead in eswatini.

my hut in Mambane, eswatini. Peace corps 2016-2018

summer 2016, i began my 27-months peace corps service in eswatini, africa. imagine… i was placed in a village 2 hours from the next grocery store, so expectedly so wifi surely wasn’t about to make it this far. we were volunteers, most of humble means with an allowance of roughly $250 monthly. sure, when converted in rands they amounted to more, but not enough to be out here scrolling and posting mindlessly. with 3 gb priced at $40+, at the time, ain’t nothing like an indulgence messing with my money to support me to reconsider. not only that tho, social media apps automatically reloaded even when not active. for me, this meant so quickly i’d run outta 3g data that was meant to last me the month. so I turned off the cellular data for those apps and used instagram web instead. tho with slow internet connection in my village, it really had to be worthy of my patience for me to even hop on it. for A FEW months, it was work: being intentional ‘bout reprograming my being not to reach for these apps in isolation, boredom, or escapism. like clockwork, i’d go looking. overtime, most times i posted, it was very calculated. often, i'd wait till i was in the capital 4 hours away where there was wifi, or on leave in a neighboring country (I.E. cellular DATA in mozambique costed 85% less; South Africa had wifi mostwhere in major cities). and mostly then, i’d post multiple pictures one after the next.

I don’t know if instagram was as diligent about their algorithms back some few years ago, but posts on a project teaching women from my village how to make reusable menstrual pads OR posts on a group of pre-school teachers receiving long overdue training to guide the adults of tomorrow would go unnoticed in comparison to one of me in a bikini in tofo. VERY different experiences. yet fulfilling and valuable all the same. and it made me feel some typa way. is this space really this superficial? who really are these people following me? I found myself consciously processing questions that had long crossed my mind, but were never watered enough to take root. at the time, I was also trying to maintain a blog about my service. but with no wifi, and limited phone data, I was unfortunately posting well after the moments had passed. and that too encouraged me to instead use instagram more purposefully. this was the first time in years that I was mentally AT EASE with actively being off of instagram for weeks at a time.

with YouTube, i’d download documentaries, and tutorials from the peace corps office in the capital right onto my hard drive. downloading files with other peace corps volunteers in and out of the office also seeking internet, meant that I had to be very selective, and well…considerate. besides, there was only so much I could download with a limited hard drive. really, sitting on them busses for some 4 hours back to my village gave me a renewed appreciation for these downloads. I was present. I was fully engaged. it wasn’t just background noise. I actually watched them. experiencing those 27 months without that instant gratification right at my fingertips, continuously debunked my belief at the time that I couldn’t live without social media.

When I relocated back to the states I was in my last year of my master’s in social work program, in a long distance relationship and working a job, and a field placement. 24 hours just didn’t feel enough to consistently include social media in my routine. at the time, my use of Facebook or Tumblr was comparably nonexistent, so much so that both apps had long been uninstalled. instagram tho was still there very slowly creeping into my rituals; making posts few and far in between. but it felt too overstimulating. especially WITH THE increased use of shock value.

I don’t remember when exactly, sometime in 2019, I was running outta space on my phone, so I unloaded the instagram app. I figured i’d make a thing of it, observe my urge, and intentionally choose otherwise. not like peace corps when I couldn’t afford it. not like when I didn’t have enough time. this time, simply to consciously choose not to. so I acknowledged some truths:

tho I was still happy for them, I was steady comparing.
tho comparing oneself to others is an innate and healthy cognitive reflex, I needed balance in exposure.
tho their lives matter, still I need not be exposed to their last breath.
tho we were liking each other’s pictures, we long been outta touch.
tho it shouldn't be a representation of interest or commitment, it still held value between lovers and i.
tho It seemed like reality, I knew I was scrolling thru a whole lotta perception.

and so I went on quite a few hiatuses. sometimes forgetting, sometimes not caring. sometimes, indulging. and I quite liked it: missing out. when I got around others who were faithfully online, I cringed that every moment had to be so documented. felt like this superficial presentness in moments that could not even be relived. I observed just how much we had normalized having in persun conversations all the while engaged in our phones. I rolled my eyes at how posting your partner had become the equivalent of changing your Facebook relationship status, as tho it wasn’t official until it was on instagram.

end of 2020, I got on twitter, again. back in 2012 I actually tried it for a few months. and really It was cus this person I really liked was steady on it. I tried again last year, and this time for me, it was that sense of control in consuming content. when a picture is worth a thousand words, reading 280 characters feels a lot safer. 3 words in, I can already suss where we going, and if I need be there. being more intentional about my feed, I followed souls whose content moved with me, one way, or another. not in lack, but In growth. affirmative accounts, you know? and really, i’ve enjoyed it. a lot. but even in all that filtering, so much of the experience is being monetized with ads, sponsorships, propaganda and news. I found myself re-engaging past habits like scrolling myself to sleep…sure to some affirmations, and astrology. but still, this was me essentially tiring my cells to sleep. SO I began to use it just as I did instagram, I deleted the app, and went to twitter web. you’d be surprised how no longer having access to these “conveniences“ on the app like the pull-down to refresh, or the automated videos, or full-size pictures can deter you from spending as much time. these days it doesn’t happen as much, but still a pattern enough.

By the time I launched nannan in February 2021, I felt this pressure to revitalize my digital presence beyond a website, or a few posts. seeing so many of us realize that mother nature really does give us everything, I felt very encouraged to continue sharing my offerings. so many of us out there believing in our skills, our resilience, our courage, our intuition. sharing our hearts with conviction. it’s been motivating. but I do also have to acknowledge that at times it has been a double-edged sword. I seen other businesses marketing themselves quite regularly, like weekly, even a number of times daily. and I felt If I wasn’t being as aggressive, then I wasn’t doing enough. it all felt so performative, to create on demand while contending with intentionality, and algorithms, phone fatigue, and folks’ short attention spin. this feeling of obligation or necessity had me feeling uneasy…annoyed…unsettled.

increasingly, it became evident that many businesses and their brand’s ambassadors are photoshoping… filtering… face tuning lies into profit. tho intuitively i knew, it didn’t always deter me from comparing mines to such illusions. soon enough, i’d deconstruct my heart to less than. I’d create posts, only for them to remain offline. unseen, and unread. Overthinking myself into inaction. and even overreaction at times. imagine scrolling thru an unhealthy number of artists’ or skin and haircare business’ page. easily more than 30 at any given time. ye, I’d do that!

besides, let’s be real, to be all in one? videographer, photographer, model, editor, and a constant marketing agent, in addition to well… everything else involved in building a handcrafted small business…? to me, It hasn’t made sense, or cents for that matter. social media is an incredible tool, I know that. but one fact is, platforms like instagram, twitter, Facebook, tiktok…even YouTube… they are saturated right now, especially since life post COrona. ultimately, you either have to post continuously, feeding all the more Into this instant gratification culture, or some other how crack this algorithm that was built for censorship. and you know what? that’s not a productive use of my time.

now WhatsApp has been part of my social media journey since my early 20s. i liked it. even preferred it over iMessage, or texting so much so even when I wasn’t traveling, i’d be using it. in peace corps, it cushioned my social media detox. at the time I had joined a black peace corps volunteer group chat with a few hundred of us across the world. like our own lil black twitter. it was supportive. messy. hilarious. healing. and Its data usage was comparatively low. and there was only so much scrolling you could really do. since returning back stateside, i’ve considerably reduced my use of it. it wasn’t the plan. maybe it was age. maybe the busyness of life. but constantly minding my phone felt challenging. now, i’d delete it too if I hadn’t grown roots abroad. like have you used a phone card before? if you know you know. i’ll say this tho, WhatsApp has for some time added a story feature just like instagram or Facebook or snapchat. it’s a slippery slope. but, at least, unlike those other social media outlets, safe to assume, most of us don’t just share our phone numbers with anyone.

graduating with my best-friend and a half, circa 2019

during my last year at the university of Michigan, we were urged to create a LinkedIn and another socio-professional platform that I don’t even remember now. it was even a class assignment. LinkedIn was described almost as the pathway to salary. I might have had one before, but this was the first time that I had taken it seriously. well, at first. I even Took a whole professional picture for it. an apologetic one too at that: hair slicked back, plain colors, somewhat smiling but mostly serious. but I found myself inconsistent with updating it. it was part me not valuing it, but mostly, i’d just forget about it. really, it had led me to no better. just countless email notifications about who was “noticing” me, or them random past classmates and their new connections. some months ago, I deleted it. really, if i’m meant to find that opportunity, i’ll be led to it, LinkedIn, or no LinkedIn.

with most of the data downloaded, it’s time for Facebook, instagram and twitter to be deleted. and I don’t even know why i’m smiling. i’m nervous in a way, like i really am about to be outta the loop. but at least more at peace in my skin above all else.

all I know is: businesses been thriving before social media, as have we as people. as of right now, posting and engaging across this many platforms ain’t my way forward professionally or even personally. for now word of the mouth, vending events, this website right here are simply gonna have to do. maybe i’ll be back. maybe I won’t.

regardless of how passionate i’m about my cellf-care offerings, I Gotta eat. and, these platforms took entirely more time, than they made money. so I might as well just do as I wanna do, and have a good time doing it. and for me right now this means: feeling mother nature’s loving power in researching, creating and experiencing different recipes, loving me better, then sharing some of these uplifting life choices with you. and maybe herein, you enjoy a few …or many that very well do the same for you. all the while, generating even more abundance for the both of us? yes! i’m open and receptive to that. to the monetary kind, the community kind, the you-should-try-this kind. we are all learning here. none of us was born with a handbook. not even our parents. not even these celebrities.

my experience with social media over the last 14 years has been a practice of being better about what I allow to influence me. sure, I cared about what I posted, but insecurely so. this past year, as I built nannan, i found myself committing to being more careful and secure with how I choose to pull you in to my space. with my authenticity. my lessons. my growth. and my reality. selectively obviously, but still truthfully. with platforms like instagram, it can be easy to reel between frequency and quality. with a website, the energy flows better. there’s more opportunities to be seen, heard, and felt. better outreach. better construct. more flexibility. at least this pops up on a search engines like google. really, the virgo in me is overjoyed. my website is really all about cellf-love. journey with me love!

those who are meant to read these words, to feel themselves reflected in my experiences, be it few, be it many, we’ll continue finding each other.

for now, I am here.

nuru, your reflection.

i’m deleting my social media: not that you needed to know